Monday, 4 July 2011

Three in The Asylum

The Asylum is the Vanilla Coke of movie makers. You can't believe you tried it, and yet you want another...

Paranormal Entity (trailer): Here's an even more student version of a student movie. With only four actors, this stays inside the house and tries to creep out the audience by... having a phone ring. And flushing the toilet. There's only one actual ghostly attack sequence, otherwise it's just the guy wandering around. And then there's the ending. There's attempt at build up, build up, build up... and then we see there's only two minutes of movie left, so bang! End scare! ...the hell? Just... no.

Almighty Thor (trailer): Loki kicks ass without needing to take a breath by throwing out fireballs, but decides to fight Odin with a sword, because... Odin throws the hammer away to stop Loki getting it, so Thor and Jarnsaxa decide to find it first, which, of course, leads Loki to it. And there's a big battle that fails to be choreographed in any believable way. Loki is excessively American here, and Thor is an emo bitch (and he uses guns now!). At least it's easy to tell what world they are in, brown for Valhalla and blue for Earth. For a movie that's supposed to devastate a city, we only have a handful of people on screen.

2012: Ice Age (trailer): This starts with stock footage and bad CGI and goes downhill from there. You will believe that an ice glacier can move at 200mph... and if you do believe that, you might actually enjoy this movie. Instead, we get the plot of some insipid family trying to get back together, and seem to be the only ones in the world. Except when the bad editing has others all of a sudden around them. They go from car on an empty highway on overcast day, to tree lined avenue at night where they hit two cars, back to day where they are surrounded by cars. Urm? And then they destroy the glacier in a way that makes destroying the asteroid in Armageddon more credible! Oi vey...

I can only assume the third Transmorphers movie is just around the corner.


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