Sunday, 21 April 2013


Hey, remember Eight Legged Freaks? Wasn't that a good movie? Not really? Well, compared to this movie, that wasn't half bad. A lot of questions in this movie seemed to be answered with "Because... Shut up!", which I shall abbreviate to BS.

It seems a while ago a spaceship or something crashed in Russia, containing something. And so they took DNA and injected it into different creatures until it worked with spiders, and then they grew them in space... (why? BS!). The spiders killed everyone there, and was then knocked out space into New York, which was obviously bound too happen sooner or later. Enter... Train Transit Authority Man! With his amazing ability to run awkwardly! And be able to tell military soldiers that he won't obey them! Together with his wife, I Only Have Enough Characterisation To Be Set Up As Someone To Be Saved By Train Transit Authority Man, they investigate the crash and discover the spiders. Then the military contains everything... well, okay, 30 minutes in, and we're done! Except the spiders grow big (why? BS!) and escape (how? BS!). And the huge spider queen is resistant to guns and RPGs (why? BS!). Fortunately, there's a train parked next to a huge bank of explode-able gas (what???? BS!), and so Train Transit Authority Man is able to save the day!

So, quickly, the actors... happen to be on screen. The spiders... happen to also be on screen as well. Nothing looks good.

For the first 30 or so minutes, this could have been interesting, but it quickly descended into 'ugh, I don't care any more'. Wait... this looks to be an actual movie, and not some Syfy rubbish? What? What possible reason is there for that? ... BS!


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